crisis

You can only be as good as your dance partner is.

traumatized

I saw a girl get hit by a car today.
I don't even know her, but I'm still so sad.
I don't want to walk to school on Monday.
She was walking on the sidewalk with her friend,
minding her own business,
probably looking forward to the weekend.
Then a car changed lanes unexpectedly,
causing another car to rear-end it and drive up onto the sidewalk.
She flew 10 feet.

She's alright though,
she was conscious,
though in shock,
but she was alive.
The ambulance didn't have its siren on when it left, so we assume it was under control.

All I really want to do know is talk to one, of my best friends, but they're all unreachable.

silver lining?

"Everything in your life is there because you created, promoted, or allowed it."
                                                             
                                         - someoneoncetoldme.com


How ridiculously true is this quote when you think about it? Everything around me, is here because I allowed it, or I put it there. All of my friends, all my mistakes, everything that's ever bothered or repeatedly hurt me. That's all my doing. Therefore I cannot blame others for my misfortune. A stronger person, would have stood up for their right to happiness, regardless of the opinions of their family and friends. I love my family dearly, but it hurts me that though they say they have my best interests in mind, it would seem that my happiness is not one of those interests. Which makes it difficult. I've been brainwashed to believe that family bonds are the strongest, that they will stand up for you and never hurt you, even if that means protecting you from other family members.
Well, I was sure wrong about that. I am disgusted with the behavior my family has exhibited in my times of need. I am shocked and appalled that when I did flat out ask for help, I was told to deal with it myself. I was discouraged by the spineless actions my family members have taken, the same ones I have looked up to for years for inspiration and guidance who, for years have taught me to stand up for myself and take bad treatment from no one.

Surprise

I guess they're weaker than I thought.
To make mistakes is human,
To be scared is human,
To change your mind is human,
To expect someone to tolerate any sort of abuse is repulsive and unforgiveable.





A bit of friendly advice:

distractions

I must confess, one of the top 5 reasons I'm excited about moving out this year is I look forward to owning stuff like this:

twig flatware

 

the hamburger bed

 

 this drippy lamp

 pacman furniture (it should be yellow though...)

these mushroom lamps

 

can you handle this? the placenta chair

 

this is a USB flash drive disguised as a piece of Chinese cabbage

bento box USB, how hungry are you right now?

 

this couch made of teddy bears

 

how COOL is this bed?!

That's really all that's on my mind today. At least, that's all I want to be on my mind today. I needed a pick-me-up, a distraction.

Before I explode 

 

*writing style not altered in any way shape or form by one Kat Stevens

average sunday

I went to church today, I even wore make up....strange...
I just had seven people rape me on omegle.com. *shudders*

I'm starting to second guess this whole blog thing...but at the same time, I refuse to let it get the better of me. I have a history of starting things but never finishing them (not THAT) and I want to stick with something this time...
I have a feeling I'm going to look back on this in a few years and feel the same way I do when I read my diary from elementary school: a cocktail of emotions including but not limited to pride, longing, and utter embarrassment.
Let's hope not.

So in my PE class, we're learning to SALSA. Unfortunately, most of the guys have their heads up their asses and refuse to cooperate with the females. So I'm dancing with one of my girl friends. Originally, I was going to dance with one of my other friends and he had already picked the song and we brainstormed costumes and everything, luckily he ended up getting paired off with another of our friends because as it turns out, he is a gosh awful salsa dancer. That's not to imply that  I'm too hot at it, just....better than he is...


I haven't looked forward to a performance in a while. I haven't done anything of that sort in so long, I want to do it right. I miss being on stage...

I'm dancing the female part, since I'm shorter...

 

I wish this kind of salsa was involved

*sigh*

I hate

Things I dislike with a passion:

• splinters
• when I open my locker, stare at it for a few minutes, realize I don't need anything and end up late to class
• seeing someone else embarrass themselves
• the aye-aye
• losing my chapstick a week after I bought it
• stepping on worms/slugs/snails in my bare feet
• watching the crab in the pot full of boiling water die
• day's that I can't find it in me to write anything....

goose problems?

I have nothing to say to that.

angry goose

raindance

I refuse to let this blog thing die, I can keep it up right?
Right.
Ok.


It rained today, again.
I love the rain, I love walking in it, I love singing and dancing in it, I love sitting in it.
I love rain.
but, I hate it when I'm all bundled up, not in the mood for rain-frolicking, and huge rain droplets decide to invade the space on my neck between my scarf and my sweater. That's just rude.
I also don't like when my socks become completely soaked through after skipping through only ONE puddle (in my opinion, it should require at least 7)
I don't like it when after coming into class after being out in the rain, my sleeves make my desk all wet causing my papers to become molecularly bonded with the desk.
I don't like idiots squeaking their wet shoes on the linoleum for the ENTIRE FUCKING CLASS PERIOD (the first 8 minutes are fine though).
I don't like getting a ride to and from school everyday from my dad, I'd rather walk in a downpour with 40mph winds.
I don't like umbrellas, ok, I like umbrellas, just not the idea of them (rain barriers).
I don't like fearing that every step I take will take the life of a poor defenseless worm who is just trying to survive by escaping its water-logged home.


but....

I still love it when it rains

"I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again"

easy

I want to write something relatively easy to generate.
Hello bulleted list.
These are some things I would tell my younger self if I had the chance.
And if I was sure younger me wouldn't have a panic attack from being contacted by future me.

• you're not going to get very tall, quit hoping.
• you will not get a dog before you move out, stop hoping.
• try not to buy birthday gifts/dresses for dances/project materials the day of, you'll pull it off, but it's unneeded stress...
• remember to check grama's oven before you preheat it, ALWAYS.
• the first two don't mean it, ignore them.
• don't wear tights to the EYH conference, you will hate yourself for it.
• practice jumping fences when you're not under pressure, trust me.
• when you finish writing that horror story, burn it, because now I can't find it and that worries me.
• don't let your uncle see your phone, he is a goose and will talk about your text messages over the dinner table.
  
• also, don't let said uncle look at your yearbook, he will read every single note people have written and will thusly assume you have buttsex.
• please get your permit, this not being able to drive thing is very gheyt.
• DON'T leave the house without quarters if you don't have your phone.
• always have a back-up ride.
• stay away from ducks, geese, and chickens until you are at least 13, they will try to kill you. (that goes for peacocks too)

oh, and:

• don't worry about remembering any of this list, everything will turn out fine.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." 
-Winnie the Pooh 

A confession

I am not as dedicated to my friends as many people may have been led to believe. I have on many occasions lied about how much I care about them, and have exaggerated feats I would go to for their protection and love.

One of these you yourself may have heard me say, I am here to admit that it was false.
"Wild horses couldn't keep me away"
That is a complete lie.
Horses scare the fucking shit out of me.
They are gorgeous animals, don't get me wrong, but they have their moments...
And on top of that, wild horses. I can't even cope with domesticated horses. If I had to battle wild horses for you, I'm sorry, but you're SOL. I'm getting the fuck out of there before they trample my ass. Good luck.

 

and really, why are wild horses holding you hostage anyway?

mystery wine

So, for the last couple years, there have been these two bottles of wine floating around my grandmother's house. We refer to them as mystery wine due to the fact that neither of them have labels. No one in the house really drinks wine, and the wine drinkers in our family haven't been around in a while (in fact, they were the ones who brought the wine in the first place) so I have been looking for ways to get rid of the wine.

Ok, that's not completely true. I've known exactly what I've wanted to do with it for months now. For weeks, I've been craving wine cake, and finally, today, I managed to gather up the ingredients to make it. Not only that, but I found a recipe online for a wine glaze to top it (and get rid of more wine).

Oh. My. God. It was amazing, I have no idea what is stopping me from rushing into the kitchen and finishing off the rest of it. But at the same time, I'm sooo full, it would be silly to consume more cake, I'd be sick....
There's always tomorrow...

I'm going to look for other things to do with the wine, aside from, you know, drinking it.

I'll probably get distracted though and start looking at things like unrelated captions.

the monkey reminds me of Ender's Game.

procrastination

What I do when I don't know what to blog about:

Various chat excerpts:

(v = me)

v: xo I haven't even started writing yet, my brain is so constipated...

p: Ewwwwwwwwwwww
p: Dx
v: maybe if I put laxatives in my ears...

l: i will FIND this dress if its the last fucking thing i do
v: if that is the last thing you do...
v: can I have your supernatural collection?

*later*

l: SANTANA ROW HAS IT
l: YES
l: YES
l: YES

l: WOOOOOOOOOO
v: OMFG YAAAAAAAAY
v: WOOOOOOOOF
v: WOOOOOOF
v: WOOOF
v: :D
l: stop barking you bitch
v: meow? ;)
l: lol

Google searches:

• blog topics
• Mark Twain quotes
• wikihow > how to make hamburger cupcakes
• MLIA
• homophone vs. homonym
• why can't I own a Canadian? 
• pajama forest
• sadsteve > search: muffin > magic muffin - the long division > download *dance*
  
• target > footie pajamas
• images
•  strange cupcakes:

how to make friends

 A guide on friendship*

How to befriend a girl/woman/lady/female:

• listen to her rant about her problems
• be her shoulder to cry on
• go shopping with her
  
• compliment her spectacular taste in fashion
• compliment her perfect complexion
• compliment her beautiful hair
• compliment her model body Example: "I wish I had your thighs, mine are so fat." (self-depreciating statements are always a plus)
• buy her things
• let her talk for hours about something you would really rather know nothing about
• do not expect her to listen to your problems
• analyze every piece of gossip with her (gossip may also be used as currency, digging up new dirt will earn you 'brownie points')
• share your food with her
• reconstruct your entire essence of being in order to become more "socially compatible" Example: if she says you should change something about yourself that you don't really want to do, do it anyway.

 How to befriend a guy:

•    make a few jokes (possibly off color)

*this is generalized bullshit, but funny

gender confusion

Why is my gender/sexual orientation so often questioned?

Ok, not so much the gender part, that's just on omegle.com, but aside from that, there have been innumerable people who (immediately upon meeting me might I add) assume that I am homo-, bi-, tri-, sexual.

It's just really starting to make me wonder,
was it something I said?

I mean, on the internet, anonymously, the only thing you'd have to go on as far as identifying the gender of someone you were conversing with would be their word and their personality.
I guess, when people can't see me in person....I come across as a guy.
According to this guy:

        Stranger: lmao
        Stranger: u seem like sucha guy
        Stranger: no offense
        Stranger: just the comments
        Me: hahaha none taken
        Stranger: its wutta good buddi wuud say lol
        Me: hahaha, I know, but I just talk like that
        Stranger: lol

Gee, that makes me feel special.

I just want to know...am I really that androgynous? Not in appearance, I know I still look like a 12-year-old girl, but  do I really articulate my masculine-seeming opinions and musings in such a way as to blur the line when my visage is not part of the equation?

I'm not really sure how this makes me feel...should I be flattered that my personality sets me apart from the entire female population?
or offended that my personality sets me apart from the entire female population?


But on the other hand, we have the orientation issue. OMGWTF
THAT I do not understand. I mean, ok, I have been known to hold the hands of a few girls in my day, but that means nothing (Duckie, I love you). I mean really, it's not uncommon, so why do you have to be a giant goosebag and suggest such a thing? What's it to you?

Truth be told, (in case some goose is still confused) I am a raging heterosexual. I always have been, I can't change who I am. You'll just have to deal with it and love me just the way I am. I can't help who I'm attracted to and for you to judge me for that which is out of my hands is abominable.

mental

 Well, this was originally going to be a lighthearted post about nonsense. But breaking news has caused my mood to take a sharp nosedive (but thank you nonetheless)

It's both upsetting and relieving. I'm blown away that someone you were once so close with can turn on you to such an extreme degree. Of all the antic's he's pulled, this easily makes the top 5 list. I must admit though, I'm impressed. It takes skill to disappoint someone to such lengths as he's disappointed me. I wasn't even expecting an improvement in his behavior, after all, it couldn't get much worse, right?

On the plus side, I don't have to try to fix it anymore, his approval of me is now on par with the opinion a pile of shit might hold, and I learned today how to delete a friend off Facebook.
 



Santa, are you listening? I'd like a restraining order for Christmas.

***

***

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”*

"A person's a person, no matter how small.”*

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”*

“You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.”*

"I know up on the top you are seeing great sights, but down at the bottom we, too, should have rights."*

~Dr. Seuss

*that's what she said

gross

I feel like being overly cliché and disgusting today by saying that my life is great.
Everything is perfect.

Dandy.

but you know that's a lie.  There are plenty of things going wrong, but for a change, I don't want to mention those. I don't want to acknowledge that anything is wrong.
I'm not delusional, I just need a break thankyouverymuch.

Wow, that measly paragraph was a buzz kill, I feel a little less gay* than I did a few minutes ago.

Anyways...I was informed that I passed the CAHSEE.....again.
woooooo.....(enthusiasm dies)

You know what makes me enthusiastic? What I'm grateful for? You know what helps me fall asleep at night, and wake up in the morning?

MUSIC

I say this because I have just plugged my headphones in, or should I say, my life support. It's actually greatly affecting my brain flow, it's a struggle for me to focus on the screen and pump these words out. Even know they need to get out, all my brain really wants is for the music to take over.

Forgive me for this sporadically arranged waste of your time?
But then again, I write this for me,
it's your own fault if you read it. 

*gay - having or showing a merry, lively mood....you asinine prick.

"rhetorical"

rhetorical - rhe·tor·i·cal

adj.

1. Of or relating to rhetoric.

2. Characterized by overelaborate or bombastic rhetoric.

3. Used for persuasive effect: a speech punctuated by rhetorical pauses.

rhetorical question -

• a statement that is formulated as a question but that is not supposed to be answered; "he liked to make his points with rhetorical questions"
• a question which the asker does not expect an answer to because the answer itself is supposedly obvious
• a question solely for effect, with no answer expected.

Bullshit.
There is no such thing as a question that is not supposed to be answered.
I mean, I understand using them as a literary device, I've been known to use them myself, haven't I?

But I'm talking in regular conversation, no one asks a question (not knowing the answer) and doesn't want an answer. Any other situation is using it as a literary device. Because really, we are nosy, we DO want to know everything. We say we don't, but we're just trying to hide our curiosity, if no one else is asking it, we don't want to be the first.

This goes for people who start on a subject with someone, usually a relatively personal subject, then interrupt the person when they get too personal by saying, "WAIT, no, I don't want to know." They then feign embarrassment because to be interested in the subject would reveal their true colors. Being curious in certain subjects makes people out to be perverted, evil, nerdy, nosy, rude, crude, lewd...*flashes to george carlin video*
Sorry, I digress.

 



My point is, in our society, it is unacceptable for people to take genuine interest in "unmentionable" subjects, it's frowned upon.
....Unmentionable subjects...
I'm pretty sure I just mean sex.

Sorry about that, it was unintentional. I'll warn you next time.

(that's what she said)

lizard sex

school tomorrow? damn.

I don't know that I'm ready to go back to dealing with school just yet. Could I possibly postpone this wake up call?

I creeped several blogs belonging to some of my peers today, and may I just say:
I value quality
over quantity.

That's not to say those who had oodles of text for me to imbibe were spouting pure rubbish that was getting more vile by the line. However, I unfortunately came across a few who were.
Their loss.

So, six more months until graduation,
until freedom.
I can handle that, right?
Right.

OK

Things I look forward to that help me remember that fact:

• buying cookware for my new home
• seeing one of my best friends crashed out on my couch (yes, I'll watch her sleep)
• seeing the rest of my best friends crashed out on my floor (I'll watch them sleep too) 
• being able to make pancakes for dinner without being judged
• making a bikini turkey
• waking up with a smile
• movie marathons
• silent raves

and one word:

Roadtrip

slow saturday night

I'm starting to realize that this blogging everyday thing isn't really amounting to anything.
I log in,
I type something mildly witty,
add a possibly irrelevant picture,
publish,
the end.

Why am I doing this? No one plans on reading it (except you), I'm not saying anything very profound. I'm not that funny without a prompt. Though I think my life story might possibly be a little amusing, I haven't the motive to show that to anyone. All I really want is out of this damn house, to go out and do something already.
But I can't.
So I'm stuck here,
doing this.

lamesauce

Actually, that's not all that I want.

I want:

• people to learn the difference between "you're" and "your"
  
• a hamster
• a sandwich (grilled pepper jack cheese to be exact)
• a pair of slippers
• nice weather tomorrow
• a hug
  
• "you to want me"

I want a duck

ducks

are

so

damn

cute

I'm feeling better today, I got to go grocery shopping with my mom. We bonded.

I don't live with my parents, so that's a big deal.

We got lots of food, I'm so very excited to cook tomorrow.

I'm thinking...pancakes for breakfast? With hash browns?

Or an omelet.

Leftover fried rice for lunch,

something with pasta for dinner?

Wine cake for dessert.

YUM

I have nothing really on my mind tonight....

Alright, that's a lie, but it's nothing really important...

Ok, that's a lie too, but I really don't have the time to open up that can of worms right now...though, it's not really a can of worms...more like, fruit cocktail?

good night

teen angst (ignore)

I feel like that fish.

I miss my friends terribly.

It hurts.

I can't really think of anything else.

I've talked to them today,

but

still.

Get me out of here.

I want to laugh until no sound comes out.
I want to glomp somebody.
I want to find something no one else sees.

I want to sit in someone's car.

I want to go to the store for no reason.

I want to eat some cheap burritos.

I want to race someone to the swings.

I want to have a few hours.

I want to surprise someone with some cookies.

let

me

OUT

I have to go love somebody.

things that I love

• that dress (it's made of newspaper)
  
• when my coffee is the exact right temperature
• the way my hair curls
• my electric blanket
• sleeping without pajamas
• the pickle and cheese sandwiches my friend's mom makes
• finding just the right word
• realizing I have a scarf in my locker on a really cold day
• making my friends laugh through their tears
• hanging out on the grass islands in the middle of parking lots and gated neighborhoods
• jumping fences
• swings
• trees that I can sit in comfortably
• treating people to lunch
• having an improvised meal turn out right
• the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles 
• giving people flowers
• belated birthday/Christmas gifts
• befriending the best friends of people who hate me
• watching an old movie with a new friend
• watching a new movie with an old friend
• dan le sac vs scroobius pip
• theoatmeal.com
• hearing my favorite song in a department store
• surprising people

and I love you.

<:3

really old poetry and other crap

Or not

Come hither,
let me tend to you.
My words like medicine to heal your ignorance.
It may hurt at first,
the Truth.
Oh, my dear,
you use your eyelids a touch too much.
See, how your eyes can't adjust to the Light,
or rather, you can't,
see.
Come hither,
let me press your wit to my heart,
shameful luck, it's not that sharp

love this

Anyhoo,

Another fruitless day.

I had obscene amounts of cake, sifted through old chat records, missed my friends like the dickens, daydreamed about my future cookware, fantasized about my future couch (trust me, fantasized is the proper verb here), and basically traumatized one of my best friends out of her wits with my musings.

Hmmm, in retrospect, maybe not a completely wasted day.

The poem above the totally unrelated giraffe picture is a poem I wrote a long time ago, but I love it.

pineapple burgers

I made pineapple meatballs today....and burgers.
There are no leftovers *smug grin*

the rest of my day, I wasted stumbling.
blast stumbleupon.

one of my favorites was nofirstdate.com

and some fabulous pictures...

I have nothing profound to say,
I guess
it's just been one of those days.

the owls make me crave a hug like mad