WHY

I SUCK AT EVERYTHING

HI

Hello there little blog of mine :3
I've missed you, but that's completely my fault.
I promise I'm not leaving you for tumblr :(

I'll prove it
I have a new project for you :)

Live What You Love: 50 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?
2. What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?
3. How comfortable are you in your home?
4. How comfortable are you in your town/city? State?
5. What kind of weather do you like?
6. Do you believe you can have your cake and eat it, too? Why or why not?
7. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really loved?
8. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really do not like?
9. Do you like what you are doing for money?
10. What do you feel is your greatest skill?
11. What do you feel is your greatest personality trait?
12. Do you feel like anything in your life is holding you back from ultimate joy? List everything.
13. Write a paragraph or two about your ideal weekend/time away from work. Include location, sights, smells, food, activities, and people.
14. How close are you in proximity to the people you absolutely adore the most?
15. What do you want out of life?
16. How do you think people will remember you, when you die?
17. How do you want people to remember you, when you die?
18. Write your epitaph - the sentence you would want to appear on your grave.
19. What is one thing you could do today, this week, this month, or this year to get a step closer to creating the legacy in #17?
20. How do you feel about your home furnishings?
21. Do you have a hobby that you like to do but you don’t get paid for? What is it?
22. Does money hold you back from anything? What does it hold you back from? Be very specific.
23. What do you think of passionate people?
24. Do you know anyone who you feel is living their dream? Who? What do they do all day and night? Be very specific.
25. Do you think you can be completely satisfied living where you do right now?
26. What do you want to accomplish?
27. Do you want to change your career?
28. Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
29. Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
30. What are three things that you do everyday that make you totally happy?
31. What do you want to pass on to your children?
32. What is something you have never tried but would like to?
33. Are there things in life you wish you could reverse or make right?
34. Do you feel like you have enough money to live the way you want to?
35. Are you happy when you think about the upcoming day and all that it comes with?
36. What do you find challenging?
37. What do you find thrilling?
38. What are three memories you haven’t yet created but you would like to?
39. Do you feel energized when you work?
40. Do you feel creative when you work?
41. Describe what you consider work, and what you consider play. What are the differences?
42. Do you feel blessed or lucky to wake up each day? How can you get to that point?
43. If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?
44. Where are three places you have always thought about living but never did?
45. When do you want to retire?
46. Is there an award or accolade you have always dreamed of winning or being recognized for?
47. If you could learn how and money was not an issue, is there anything else you would do for work besides what you are doing now? Be specific.
48. List three things you would immediately change about your work day if you were the boss (assumes you are not the boss).
49. List three things you would immediately start doing on the weekends if you had the money.
50. Imagine it is a big holiday and you are with your loved ones and you are living what you truly love. When they ask what you have been doing, what do you say in reply?

 I'll ask myself a question every day :)

I win at life

Who I am today is almost exactly who I've always wanted to be.
I did not take the path I wanted to get here.
But I am most certainly the girl I dreamt about.

AIC

Probably my favorite go-to band when I need ultimate comfort/cheering up.
Is that weird?
<3

Rich at Sin

Am I rich at sin?

Why yes

Yes I am.

To the possum of my pi...

I can't believe where the time went...
I mean,
I was there and all,
but it just went poof.

I never could have imagined this last year, there's too much I couldn't have anticipated.
All these things I didn't plan.
I didn't plan any of it really...
Falling in love,
it just sorta happened.

And yet.
I can't imagine it happening any other way.
Everything just evolved on its own.
Sometimes I don't feel so much like a participant, as I feel like I have been called to witness the development of something beautiful.
Like I'm watching a movie,
about me.

I've been so happy this last year...I've never been happier.
I've never woken up in the morning with such hope.
I've never said "I love you" with such conviction.
And having someone to say it back...

On what is supposed to be one of the most unlucky days of the year, I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

Juan,
I could never dream of asking anything of you, because you've already given me everything I could ever want.
I love you with all my heart, and then some.
Loving you was enough for me,
being loved by you is another thing completely.
You make me laugh and you dry my tears.
You hold me close when the world doesn't.
You help me hope when I'm too scared to do it alone.

You are my dear, dear possum, and I love you.

Happy Anniversary

invertebrates

It really pisses me off when people settle for abuse.

You only settle for what you think you deserve.

Grow a fucking backbone you pussies.


AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

Everything

is

going

according

to

plan.

Plan B that is.

(not the emergency contraceptive kind.)

I can't wait to have something to do.

I need a hobby.

well...

All I really want

is for someone

to give me some flowers

I'm easy to please

oh balls...

It's been forever again. So much for keeping up and making up all my missed posts...

I don't even know why I'm typing right now, I don't have anything I actually want to say like I usually do when I blog (or used to). I guess I just want SOMETHING here, anything...I want to look back at this and laugh my ass off at how I used to perceive things.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Plans have been made.
Plans have been canceled.
Plans have been made again.
Then shattered.

I don't even know where to start.

I've graduated.

I've fixed things.
I've broken a few things too, but not terribly.
I have glue.

I've lied to myself.
I've figured out what I'm going to do with my life.
But I think that's a lie too.

I am fickle.

I know what I want.
But not everyone wants me to have it.

I wish I were stronger than this.
I wish I could rebel.

But I'm too nice.

But the truth is, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, I just don't want to hurt anybody.

Why do they care so much if I crash and burn?
If I ruin my life?
Let me mess shit up,
I like it messy.
I like it rough.
I like it irreversible.

I'd rather have to fix what I've done than play it safe and wonder.
And no one understands that.

I'm not afraid of struggle.
I just want to do it myself now.


It's my life now, I want to see what I can do with it.

Gotta catch up...POKEMON

I. Am. So. Ashamed.

It's been almost a month since I've written.
I apologize (not to you, goose) to my self.
I promised that I would keep doing this,
everyday
for me.


I promise that I will make up every entry that I have skipped (mostly because I'm OCD like that).

So, to get back in the groove, I'm going with a bulleted list to let out the built-up angst that's been waiting for the last month.

(More?) Things I hate:

• when you finish a bowl of cereal, and there's extra milk in the bowl, so you pour in a little more cereal, and there's leftover cereal in the bowl, so you pour in a little milk, and there's leftover milk in the bowl....and you end up eating two thirds of the box in one sitting and nearly put yourself into a food coma.
• formspring.me - they fucking dumped me and aren't answering my emails. Messiest breakup ever.
• leaving the house in the morning, thinking I forgot something, running back in and frantically searching too long and realizing whatever it is was in my purse the whole time.
• when you go to jump on a puddle to cheer up because it's so cold and you realize a second too late that the puddle is frozen.
• shutting off my alarm in my sleep because I'm so tired and getting lectured for it (how can I help what I do in my sleep?!)
• cooking something special/difficult for dinner, only to have someone bring takeout.
• using a word/phrase as a joke with my friends, looking it up on urban dictionary, and finding a definition so repulsive, I never want to use the word/phrase again.
• when my arm/leg/eye twitches, and when I look at it, it stops.
• that I've been perpetually full of food for the last week.
• missing people and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

FUCK
So much for cuss-free week.

Internet = poop

What's that?

You want me to pause in the middle of searching for the required 100 jpegs for my computer class assignment to watch a documentary on society's addiction to the internet and technology?
Sure, I can drop everything I'm doing and not resume my studies until near midnight.
It's not like this is due tomorrow or anything.
Or that I fully recognize that the internet and technology are addictive yet I treat them both as tools and toys in a responsible fashion.
It's not like I was doing anything important...



On another note, I'm having difficulty choosing between two subjects for my PowerPoint presentation for my business technology class.

Unicorns or Incubus?

 

 

mystery

Oh jeez,
Oh WOW.
IDIOT


It's really not that big of a deal
but
*sigh*
ok.

Today, arriving home after a grueling Monday, I noticed a strange scent in my dining room. Sweet, vanilla? Slightly chemically, reminiscent of cheap perfume. I was captivated by this elusive odor, and immediately began one of those sniff-everything-to-find-the-source searches. At one point, my grandmother walked through the room and attempted to search with me for a few moments, but she couldn't smell anything. After she abandons the search, I continue my attempts to track down the scent in vain, but eventually quit also.
Hours pass, and I'm still detecting subtle whiffs of the ninja fragrance. Now I've narrowed it down though, it smells like my childhood, like, Playdough.....

Then, FINALLY, after hours of wondering, of frustration,
I realized,
the smell,
is
coming
from
me.

I didn't recognize the scent of my new deodorant.

crisis

You can only be as good as your dance partner is.

traumatized

I saw a girl get hit by a car today.
I don't even know her, but I'm still so sad.
I don't want to walk to school on Monday.
She was walking on the sidewalk with her friend,
minding her own business,
probably looking forward to the weekend.
Then a car changed lanes unexpectedly,
causing another car to rear-end it and drive up onto the sidewalk.
She flew 10 feet.

She's alright though,
she was conscious,
though in shock,
but she was alive.
The ambulance didn't have its siren on when it left, so we assume it was under control.

All I really want to do know is talk to one, of my best friends, but they're all unreachable.

silver lining?

"Everything in your life is there because you created, promoted, or allowed it."
                                                             
                                         - someoneoncetoldme.com


How ridiculously true is this quote when you think about it? Everything around me, is here because I allowed it, or I put it there. All of my friends, all my mistakes, everything that's ever bothered or repeatedly hurt me. That's all my doing. Therefore I cannot blame others for my misfortune. A stronger person, would have stood up for their right to happiness, regardless of the opinions of their family and friends. I love my family dearly, but it hurts me that though they say they have my best interests in mind, it would seem that my happiness is not one of those interests. Which makes it difficult. I've been brainwashed to believe that family bonds are the strongest, that they will stand up for you and never hurt you, even if that means protecting you from other family members.
Well, I was sure wrong about that. I am disgusted with the behavior my family has exhibited in my times of need. I am shocked and appalled that when I did flat out ask for help, I was told to deal with it myself. I was discouraged by the spineless actions my family members have taken, the same ones I have looked up to for years for inspiration and guidance who, for years have taught me to stand up for myself and take bad treatment from no one.

Surprise

I guess they're weaker than I thought.
To make mistakes is human,
To be scared is human,
To change your mind is human,
To expect someone to tolerate any sort of abuse is repulsive and unforgiveable.





A bit of friendly advice:

distractions

I must confess, one of the top 5 reasons I'm excited about moving out this year is I look forward to owning stuff like this:

twig flatware

 

the hamburger bed

 

 this drippy lamp

 pacman furniture (it should be yellow though...)

these mushroom lamps

 

can you handle this? the placenta chair

 

this is a USB flash drive disguised as a piece of Chinese cabbage

bento box USB, how hungry are you right now?

 

this couch made of teddy bears

 

how COOL is this bed?!

That's really all that's on my mind today. At least, that's all I want to be on my mind today. I needed a pick-me-up, a distraction.

Before I explode 

 

*writing style not altered in any way shape or form by one Kat Stevens

average sunday

I went to church today, I even wore make up....strange...
I just had seven people rape me on omegle.com. *shudders*

I'm starting to second guess this whole blog thing...but at the same time, I refuse to let it get the better of me. I have a history of starting things but never finishing them (not THAT) and I want to stick with something this time...
I have a feeling I'm going to look back on this in a few years and feel the same way I do when I read my diary from elementary school: a cocktail of emotions including but not limited to pride, longing, and utter embarrassment.
Let's hope not.

So in my PE class, we're learning to SALSA. Unfortunately, most of the guys have their heads up their asses and refuse to cooperate with the females. So I'm dancing with one of my girl friends. Originally, I was going to dance with one of my other friends and he had already picked the song and we brainstormed costumes and everything, luckily he ended up getting paired off with another of our friends because as it turns out, he is a gosh awful salsa dancer. That's not to imply that  I'm too hot at it, just....better than he is...


I haven't looked forward to a performance in a while. I haven't done anything of that sort in so long, I want to do it right. I miss being on stage...

I'm dancing the female part, since I'm shorter...

 

I wish this kind of salsa was involved

*sigh*

I hate

Things I dislike with a passion:

• splinters
• when I open my locker, stare at it for a few minutes, realize I don't need anything and end up late to class
• seeing someone else embarrass themselves
• the aye-aye
• losing my chapstick a week after I bought it
• stepping on worms/slugs/snails in my bare feet
• watching the crab in the pot full of boiling water die
• day's that I can't find it in me to write anything....

goose problems?

I have nothing to say to that.

angry goose

raindance

I refuse to let this blog thing die, I can keep it up right?
Right.
Ok.


It rained today, again.
I love the rain, I love walking in it, I love singing and dancing in it, I love sitting in it.
I love rain.
but, I hate it when I'm all bundled up, not in the mood for rain-frolicking, and huge rain droplets decide to invade the space on my neck between my scarf and my sweater. That's just rude.
I also don't like when my socks become completely soaked through after skipping through only ONE puddle (in my opinion, it should require at least 7)
I don't like it when after coming into class after being out in the rain, my sleeves make my desk all wet causing my papers to become molecularly bonded with the desk.
I don't like idiots squeaking their wet shoes on the linoleum for the ENTIRE FUCKING CLASS PERIOD (the first 8 minutes are fine though).
I don't like getting a ride to and from school everyday from my dad, I'd rather walk in a downpour with 40mph winds.
I don't like umbrellas, ok, I like umbrellas, just not the idea of them (rain barriers).
I don't like fearing that every step I take will take the life of a poor defenseless worm who is just trying to survive by escaping its water-logged home.


but....

I still love it when it rains

"I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again"

easy

I want to write something relatively easy to generate.
Hello bulleted list.
These are some things I would tell my younger self if I had the chance.
And if I was sure younger me wouldn't have a panic attack from being contacted by future me.

• you're not going to get very tall, quit hoping.
• you will not get a dog before you move out, stop hoping.
• try not to buy birthday gifts/dresses for dances/project materials the day of, you'll pull it off, but it's unneeded stress...
• remember to check grama's oven before you preheat it, ALWAYS.
• the first two don't mean it, ignore them.
• don't wear tights to the EYH conference, you will hate yourself for it.
• practice jumping fences when you're not under pressure, trust me.
• when you finish writing that horror story, burn it, because now I can't find it and that worries me.
• don't let your uncle see your phone, he is a goose and will talk about your text messages over the dinner table.
  
• also, don't let said uncle look at your yearbook, he will read every single note people have written and will thusly assume you have buttsex.
• please get your permit, this not being able to drive thing is very gheyt.
• DON'T leave the house without quarters if you don't have your phone.
• always have a back-up ride.
• stay away from ducks, geese, and chickens until you are at least 13, they will try to kill you. (that goes for peacocks too)

oh, and:

• don't worry about remembering any of this list, everything will turn out fine.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." 
-Winnie the Pooh 

A confession

I am not as dedicated to my friends as many people may have been led to believe. I have on many occasions lied about how much I care about them, and have exaggerated feats I would go to for their protection and love.

One of these you yourself may have heard me say, I am here to admit that it was false.
"Wild horses couldn't keep me away"
That is a complete lie.
Horses scare the fucking shit out of me.
They are gorgeous animals, don't get me wrong, but they have their moments...
And on top of that, wild horses. I can't even cope with domesticated horses. If I had to battle wild horses for you, I'm sorry, but you're SOL. I'm getting the fuck out of there before they trample my ass. Good luck.

 

and really, why are wild horses holding you hostage anyway?

mystery wine

So, for the last couple years, there have been these two bottles of wine floating around my grandmother's house. We refer to them as mystery wine due to the fact that neither of them have labels. No one in the house really drinks wine, and the wine drinkers in our family haven't been around in a while (in fact, they were the ones who brought the wine in the first place) so I have been looking for ways to get rid of the wine.

Ok, that's not completely true. I've known exactly what I've wanted to do with it for months now. For weeks, I've been craving wine cake, and finally, today, I managed to gather up the ingredients to make it. Not only that, but I found a recipe online for a wine glaze to top it (and get rid of more wine).

Oh. My. God. It was amazing, I have no idea what is stopping me from rushing into the kitchen and finishing off the rest of it. But at the same time, I'm sooo full, it would be silly to consume more cake, I'd be sick....
There's always tomorrow...

I'm going to look for other things to do with the wine, aside from, you know, drinking it.

I'll probably get distracted though and start looking at things like unrelated captions.

the monkey reminds me of Ender's Game.

procrastination

What I do when I don't know what to blog about:

Various chat excerpts:

(v = me)

v: xo I haven't even started writing yet, my brain is so constipated...

p: Ewwwwwwwwwwww
p: Dx
v: maybe if I put laxatives in my ears...

l: i will FIND this dress if its the last fucking thing i do
v: if that is the last thing you do...
v: can I have your supernatural collection?

*later*

l: SANTANA ROW HAS IT
l: YES
l: YES
l: YES

l: WOOOOOOOOOO
v: OMFG YAAAAAAAAY
v: WOOOOOOOOF
v: WOOOOOOF
v: WOOOF
v: :D
l: stop barking you bitch
v: meow? ;)
l: lol

Google searches:

• blog topics
• Mark Twain quotes
• wikihow > how to make hamburger cupcakes
• MLIA
• homophone vs. homonym
• why can't I own a Canadian? 
• pajama forest
• sadsteve > search: muffin > magic muffin - the long division > download *dance*
  
• target > footie pajamas
• images
•  strange cupcakes:

how to make friends

 A guide on friendship*

How to befriend a girl/woman/lady/female:

• listen to her rant about her problems
• be her shoulder to cry on
• go shopping with her
  
• compliment her spectacular taste in fashion
• compliment her perfect complexion
• compliment her beautiful hair
• compliment her model body Example: "I wish I had your thighs, mine are so fat." (self-depreciating statements are always a plus)
• buy her things
• let her talk for hours about something you would really rather know nothing about
• do not expect her to listen to your problems
• analyze every piece of gossip with her (gossip may also be used as currency, digging up new dirt will earn you 'brownie points')
• share your food with her
• reconstruct your entire essence of being in order to become more "socially compatible" Example: if she says you should change something about yourself that you don't really want to do, do it anyway.

 How to befriend a guy:

•    make a few jokes (possibly off color)

*this is generalized bullshit, but funny

gender confusion

Why is my gender/sexual orientation so often questioned?

Ok, not so much the gender part, that's just on omegle.com, but aside from that, there have been innumerable people who (immediately upon meeting me might I add) assume that I am homo-, bi-, tri-, sexual.

It's just really starting to make me wonder,
was it something I said?

I mean, on the internet, anonymously, the only thing you'd have to go on as far as identifying the gender of someone you were conversing with would be their word and their personality.
I guess, when people can't see me in person....I come across as a guy.
According to this guy:

        Stranger: lmao
        Stranger: u seem like sucha guy
        Stranger: no offense
        Stranger: just the comments
        Me: hahaha none taken
        Stranger: its wutta good buddi wuud say lol
        Me: hahaha, I know, but I just talk like that
        Stranger: lol

Gee, that makes me feel special.

I just want to know...am I really that androgynous? Not in appearance, I know I still look like a 12-year-old girl, but  do I really articulate my masculine-seeming opinions and musings in such a way as to blur the line when my visage is not part of the equation?

I'm not really sure how this makes me feel...should I be flattered that my personality sets me apart from the entire female population?
or offended that my personality sets me apart from the entire female population?


But on the other hand, we have the orientation issue. OMGWTF
THAT I do not understand. I mean, ok, I have been known to hold the hands of a few girls in my day, but that means nothing (Duckie, I love you). I mean really, it's not uncommon, so why do you have to be a giant goosebag and suggest such a thing? What's it to you?

Truth be told, (in case some goose is still confused) I am a raging heterosexual. I always have been, I can't change who I am. You'll just have to deal with it and love me just the way I am. I can't help who I'm attracted to and for you to judge me for that which is out of my hands is abominable.

mental

 Well, this was originally going to be a lighthearted post about nonsense. But breaking news has caused my mood to take a sharp nosedive (but thank you nonetheless)

It's both upsetting and relieving. I'm blown away that someone you were once so close with can turn on you to such an extreme degree. Of all the antic's he's pulled, this easily makes the top 5 list. I must admit though, I'm impressed. It takes skill to disappoint someone to such lengths as he's disappointed me. I wasn't even expecting an improvement in his behavior, after all, it couldn't get much worse, right?

On the plus side, I don't have to try to fix it anymore, his approval of me is now on par with the opinion a pile of shit might hold, and I learned today how to delete a friend off Facebook.
 



Santa, are you listening? I'd like a restraining order for Christmas.

***

***

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”*

"A person's a person, no matter how small.”*

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”*

“You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.”*

"I know up on the top you are seeing great sights, but down at the bottom we, too, should have rights."*

~Dr. Seuss

*that's what she said